Grief Support Library

Early Stages of Grief: The First Seven Days

Continued

6. Don't drive unless you have no other choice. If you must drive, be very careful. In fact, if at all possible in those early days, have someone else drive you where you need to go. Since your mind will be focused on other things, it is important to keep yourself and others safe.

7. Talk about the person who has died. It is important as well as normal to talk about what has happened. You may find yourself telling the story over and over, but that's okay. Let yourself remember past good times and tell stories about the person who died. Talking is a vital part of the grief process. If you can, talk with others who have been through the process. However, if someone tries to push you into doing or feeling a certain way, it is important to say no. This is a time of great stress for you and not a time to allow anyone to tell you how to react. If you feel there is something you will have trouble answering, ask a family member to stand close to you to help out. I had a friend who felt that if one more person said that her husband wasn't suffering anymore, she felt she would scream. So, at the funeral her brother handled most of the comments made by people, and she was able to concentrate on receiving hugs. For her that worked well.

8. Allow yourself some time alone. At some point before the funeral, take at least an hour to be alone. During this time, say out loud the name of the person and that he or she is dead. Use the word, "dead"; you need to hear yourself say it. There will be emotions connected with this but don'tbe afraid of them. It is important to hear yourself actually say the words. Later you may change the terminology to transitioned or whatever is comfortable for you. But right now you are coming to grips with the concept of death.

9. Sleep may be a problem. Try to go to sleep close to your normal bedtime. You may not feel like sleeping, but keeping your routine is critical. If you stay with your same nightly ritual, whatever that may be, normal sleep will return more easily. Avoid tranquilizing yourself with medication unless allowed by your doctor, and stay away from drugs and alcohol. It is normal to have difficulty sleeping in the beginning, and we will talk more in other articles about how to address this problem over the long run. Right now, just try to stick with a routine.

10. Fatigue will be a problem and, at first, you may not want to be alone. Fatigue is a very common complaint and it may last several weeks. In the initial days, you may want someone to stay with you for that reason as well as others. That person could make sure that you have a hot meal and run interference for you. However, it needs to be someone who will respect your need to talk and your need to be alone and contemplate.

11.Allow others to help. Whether it is your church, friends at work, synagogue, members of a lodge, the military if that is appropriate, a club or any other group outside your family, let them help, They may not know what to say but they will be willing to help with tasks.

12. Honor your emotions. Your emotions will feel like they are on a roller coaster. You will have many feelings.You might even feel anger. It may be anger at the world or anger at God. These are normal emotions. Also, for a long time you will be asking, "Why did this happen?" Eventually, the question will change to "How can I work through these feelings of grief?" However, for now, it is important to get through those early days. Again, there is no right or wrong way.